


The Lonely Sex God

by Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack and Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-07 23:11:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw/pseuds/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vastra and Jenny ask the Doctor for advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lonely Sex God

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place between The Angels Take Manhattan and The Snowmen. It's early enough that the Doctor isn't quite in a hopeless funk yet, though he's still sad.

“I'm sorry; you want me to what?” the Doctor slouched back in the chair, disbelieving smirk on his face.

“I had not realized that sharing your sexual expertise would be such a challenge for one so mature,” Vastra sped through that lie. “After all, you are married, and you have hinted that you have been...intimate...with many of your previous traveling companions.” The lizard-woman managed a fair approximation of a human shrug. “I merely desire some advice on reinvigorating my love life with Jenny.”

He raised the shade of an eyebrow at her. “Do you keep the whole mistress-maid thing up in bed? Not really my kink, but it is kind of impressive.”

“Sometimes,” Vastra answered him plainly. “And sometimes I permit her to order me around. But most often we clash as equals, as we do on the practice floor or when we talk in private.”

“Right, then.” the Doctor struggled to keep himself calm, and rational, and his face from completing its journey to match the purple of his overcoat. “Try this, then,” he told her, and expounded upon a certain technique.

***

Three weeks later, Jenny had cornered him. “You've been providing mistress with sex tips,” she said, bluntly. “And now she's got a leg up on me.”

“First, I bet she does. Second, how do you know it was me?”

“You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out. We've done a lot of things with each other, but to be perfectly honest, things had gotten a bit old hat, not that I'm complaining. We know what works for each other, you see? And then, out of the blue, something new! The only other person who knows about us is Strax, and she sure isn't going to him.”

He shrugged and smiled easily. “Fair enough. So, what can I do for you, Jenny Flint?”

“Teach me something new,” she said, her face its usual mask of amused innocence.

He sighed. “I don't know how effective this will be on Silurians, but...” and he proceeded to lay out a certain position that Jenny might coax Vastra into.

***

Three months passed. Vastra and Jenny took turns at ever-decreasing intervals to visit him and beg for a new place to lick, a new way to swirl one's fingers, a new posture to hold. It was all getting a bit much for him. He had started wanking again, for one thing. Usually there was a companion or two about to sate his lust, but Vastra and Jenny were exclusive if nothing else, and he didn't feel like chancing syphilis with a local. It was getting to the point where he was strongly considering going out and saving the universe again, but that was an impossible catch-22. He had tried wandering the universe alone, and that led to the loss of his humanity. He had tried traveling with friends and lovers, but that led to heartbreak. Better by far to stay here where he couldn't hurt anyone. 

“This has to stop,” he told them at last. “For one thing, I'm running out of ideas for things that work on scales. For another, it's gotten me a bit...frustrated.” he managed to huff, finally.

“Oh,” said Jenny.

“Oh,” said Vastra.

“Sorry about that, sir.” There was an awkward pause which Vastra broke.

“There's been a chain of disappearances in the dock region.” It was not much of a peace offering, but he appreciated the sentiment.

“They've all knocked up their girlfriends and decided to dodge their responsibilities by joining a ship's crew at the last moment.”

“We thought that too, sir,” Jenny pleaded. “But there have been strange lights. Even by the standards of the docks, sir.”

“And one of their bodies was recently discovered floating in the water. It was...oddly disfigured.” Vastra shuddered at the memory.

“Fish, most likely.”

“No,” Vastra said firmly. “This is unlike anything I have ever seen before.” 

He sighed. “Lead on, then.”

**Author's Note:**

> In case it wasn't clear, it's Jenny calling the Doctor 'sir' at the end. Vastra doesn't call anybody 'sir'.


End file.
